I DON”T KNOW WHY I FEEL THIS WAY

What is your WHY?

By: Tracy Mock

As we left the mall, my daughter noticed a man in a wheelchair. She quickly tapped me on the hand and said mom, we have to pray for him. We had somewhere we needed to be, and honestly it wasn’t suitable to stop. We were going to be late, but I never want to miss out on what God wants to do in my day. I have to make room for him to move through me. I chose to be relational at that moment versus getting somewhere on time. As we turned around, we told my son we’re going to pay for that young man in the wheel chair.

As we approached his wheelchair, he was missing fingers on both hands, and both of his legs were amputated in various parts. He had a trach in and was laying in his electric wheelchair.  My son warmly asked his name, his voice was weak. He corrected my son with his proper name. At this moment, the young man had our attention. Titus quickly asked how we could pray for him?  As I glanced at his face, prepared for rejection or acceptance of the prayer either way, I had to stay in faith that we were called to be there at that moment.

His answer was “I don’t know” as he looked around and was puzzled. I quickly chimed in, when I was 19 years old, I had a bowel disease and was waiting for my insurance for my new job to kick in. I was ill, and I did not know God could heal you. I happened to be in the right place at the right time, and someone prayed for me, and I was immediately healed. He said just “pray”, coldly. I could sense he just wanted us out of his hair. So we prayed God would heal him and touch him, and whatever he needed, and believed God would show up no matter his response. It was short and sweet. I looked at my daughter, and she had this look on her face. I can’t explain it. She put her head down as we walked to the car.

As we made our way to our next destination, when we got there, she just wanted to go home. I had paid $100 per ticket for our event. I wanted to get my money’s worth. She was persistent, I’m going home. Once again, I heard the whisper “go be relational”, so I changed my mind, and we left for home.  As we got in the car and made it our way to the highway. I asked what’s going on inside of you. She replied nothing and would not look at me. She turned her head and stared out the window. I could see tears streaming down her face. So you want to tell me what’s going on? I can simply listen. 

She went on to say I am never doing that again. That was horrible. That was the worst experience I had ever experienced in my entire life. I said, what are you talking about? That man in the wheelchair that we prayed for. I’m never doing that again. A few moments went past, and I thought this was a momentous response, something we normally do. It’s not uncommon for us to pray for strangers or love on people when we are out.

As tears rolled down her face, she said, I don’t know why I feel this way. I feel such sadness in my heart. I don’t even know why. I asked what’s behind sadness? She went on to say I could feel how he felt. I have never felt anything like it before. It’s almost like I could feel a trauma he might have experienced. I don’t know Mom, I have never felt this before. I never want to feel emotions again or anybody else, let alone myself.

I had to chuckle inside. That is an impractical statement moving forward for the rest of your life, being she is almost 14. I asked her, have you asked God what he’s trying to show you here? 

Sometimes as a mom, it’s hard to connect with your kids. I’ve been learning this process myself and choosing relationships over tasks. As well as not correcting her thoughts and feelings. I want her to grow and develop healthy emotions moving forward. She doesn’t need me to tell her how to feel. She needed to figure her own WHY out. 

I wanted her to find out for herself if God was trying to show her something.  I need your help, Mom. I grabbed her hand as we drove, and we welcomed the Holy Spirit. I said as soon as you sense God is speaking to you, let me know. I checked in about 30 seconds later. She said I have nothing, mom. She said all I can feel is that deep sadness from the man in the wheelchair. I said ask God what he wants you to do with it? He said to give it to him, I was never meant to carry the burdens of other people. I guided her to use your own words for that man in the wheelchair, and hand it over to Jesus in prayer at that moment. As she did, the heavy burden left. To her surprise, she said that’s amazing, the feeling has lifted mom.

I posed the question that maybe God let her feel the burdens of that man in deep sadness, so she could know how to pray for him and others in the future. I suppose you’re right, Mom. But I still don’t want to feel this way ever again.

As a mom, it’s important to pay attention to the little | big things. If I had chosen to stay at our event, I would have missed out. I’m teaching my daughter how to pray for somebody else.  The truth is I was merely the vessel. 

Later that night, she decided to go to the local fair with her friends. A few people were highlighted to her, and she could feel their feelings. She had shared details about what happened earlier in the day to her friends. They asked what are you going to do? Are you going to go up and pray for them? Nope, we’re going to pray right now, here together as friends, for that person. 

I trust that moving forward, what my daughter feels in her heart, she would be moved to action. I truly believe we are all points of contact from heaven. When I lay hands upon the sick, they recover. We’re all called to step out and share our faith. We’re called to love people who need love more now than ever. 

Looking back at the man in the wheelchair, I couldn’t help thinking he looked like a wounded soldier.  Although his physical body was missing many parts and pieces, he might not look the way I do or the way you do, but he matters to the heart of God. I think if we could fathom how people looked spiritually, they have missing fingers, arms, legs, and maybe even lost their voice. What would happen if we encouraged someone back into their faith? Reconnect the things missing their lives. Offer hope and love to a stranger. 

Better yet, learn to be this to your family. 

It’s the little | big things. We’re not called to do everything, but we’re all called to do something. Knowing what your part is, and stepping out being bold, brave, and courageous, is how we make a difference in this world.

 I know my daughter will do astounding things.  So can you! Step out! Be brave! Be courageous! Someone needs what you have to say!